OH MY GOSH, MY MOTHER IS SO LAME.

She's always bitching about the most shittiest and un important crap, I swair. Ugh! She blames everything on me... she's always calling me stupid for make the SMALLEST mistakes. Do you know what she did the other day? She fucking went crazy on me just because I forgot to sign and fill out ONE PART of my basketball forms. She was all, "I can't believe I have to fill out our insurance and address information while I was in the car! Are you too stupid to do it, or what?!?!?!" Then, she fucking doesn't stop yelling and yelling and even threw a chair at me. I SERIOUSLY didn't want to say anything, because EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY, she fucking twists it up to something NEGATIVE and goes BALLISTIC.

I HATE HER WITH AN ETERNITY'S WORTH OF EVIL PASSION.

I don't even know why I still sometimes care about her, anyway. Everytime it comes to her hitting me, I just sit there while she rants how, "Oh.. I KNOW you're going to report me to the child abuse program. AND GO AHEAD! I'm the only one you have, and without me, you would be out in the streets." I just fucking sit there. If I say anything, she would hit me some more. When I was younger and I would forget to clean the house before she gets home, she would fucking start throwing the dishes everywhere. If my binders from school were lying around, she would toss it up in the air and all my homework flies out. If I don't take out the garbage or take out the recycle bin in the kitchen, SHE WOULD FUCKING THROW IT INTO OUR LIVING ROOM and leave ME to clean it. She hit me right in front of my friends on my birthday and was saying shit about how I was a bad hostess because one of my friends made me cry. I was crying on my birthday, and my mom hit me for that. When I was in the 3rd grade, if I didn't comb my hair good enough for her standards, or if the shirt I was wairing was dirty, she would fucking yell at me also, saying shit like "What would people say when they see you like that? I know what, they'll blame ME. They always blame the parent everytime a kid looks bad or messes up. Don't make me look bad." See? She's always worried about her self image. She doesn't want people thinking she's a bad person, so she leaves me to pretend as if she's "Miss perfect mother of the year", when truthfully, she is VICE VERSA.

I turned out smart. Good behaving.... good grades... good manners. I've never tried smoking, drinking or anything like that. And you know what? SHE HAD NO INFLUENCE ON ME WHAT SO EVER. If she thinks that, then she is fucking hallucinating. She never went to any of my award shows... or piano concerts... or open houses. Do you know why she never went to any of my school's open house? Because "open houses are always the same day as my bowling league meet up".

............

She would rather not miss a day of her bowling league practice than go to my school for a mere hour--TOPS. She's always making promises to me and getting me to have my hopes up... being all excited about whatever it was she promised... and either cancel her propisition or say that she never even promised ANYTHING to me, therefore it would be my fault if I was hurt or dissapointed. Heh. It's always my fault. During one of her crazy homicidal threats and abundant yellings, i fucking broke out and under the gurgling sounds of the tears that had entered my mouth, I said something like, "Why are you always doing this? Why are you always like this? Why don't you love me?"

Do you know what she said? She said shit about how you become too weak if you show those kinds of emotions too much. That you should never cry, because it shows your vulnirability and weakens your defense. I'm all, "What? What defense... we're family. We're supposed to love each other. What, do you want us all to give you hate and yell at you rather than hug you and love you?"

Bagh. She never showed me much emotional love. And you know what? Now, i usually just have hatred... I mother fucking hate her guts and I yell at her. That's what she wants... she's pushed me to that level of hatred, she really has. I have always been willing to give into her and just love her... she's my mother. But she always pushed me back. I remember making stuff for her when i was back in elementary school... like, making designs on a piece of paper with pretty jewels that spelt out, "I love you" but she would just throw it away. Maybe not to my face, but I would later see it in the garbage can. She throws away the birthday cards, and christmas cards that everyone gives to her. But now.... I twitch everytime she touches me. She could be saying something in the car [not yelling.. just normal talking. wow, how rare is that..] and she would probably laugh here and there... then touches my knee. Her hand is on my knee, and I fucking push it off, CRINGE and say, "Don't touch me" and look away. She sometimes lets it go, when she's on a good mood. Or, she would start yelling. But I wouldn't care. Not anymore, anyways. Everytime she starts yelling, I would just turn off my hearing senses and play a song in my head. Hey, it works... it has kept me sane throughout my mom's annoying and disturbing yelling sprees.

Basically, I just don't give a fuck about her anymore. Or at least, I would like to think so. Why do I wake up crying everytime I have a nightmare of her dying? Well, so far, that has only happen four times. One time, I was dreaming of Jesus in front of a white, bright background. He was comming towards me... passes me... I turn around, and he takes my mom. My mom is covered in blood. Oddly enough, I become really, really sad and I start crying. I just broke down on my knees and fucking started crying. I even woke up crying....

But why is it that I never cry when I dream of myself dying? I wake up emotionless everytime I have a dream of dying. Just... emotionless. Not regretful, nor sad, nor happy, nor relieved.... emotionless.

What does it all mean?